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Amsterdam’s notoriously naughty Red Light District has three infamous venues for live sex shows: the Moulin Rouge, the Banana Bar, and Casa Rosso.All three are located about 100 feet from each other on the impossible-to-pronounce Oudezijds Achterburgwal street in the heart of De Wallen (RLD’s actual name).It’s the easiest of the theaters to spot with a giant neon-pink elephant dancing above it, an either welcoming or terrible sight depending on the quality of coffee shops attended throughout the day.Prices are 35 Euro for a single ticket, or 50 Euro for one with four drink tickets included.Before the laughs start, a sweeping feeling of dread is cast over the audience as one member will soon be in need a 36-hour shower afterwards.They range from the well-known “banana” act, creative methods of drawing, and things that end up in places where they don’t belong.

One of us had good karma coming or went to church recently because we were followed by a group of Americans who looked to be on some sort of family retreat. These acts usually occur between the intercourse performances (which unfortunately aren’t always as impressively acrobatic as I’d hope they’d be) and are intended to be humorous.

Going on stage is not recommended unless you’re really open-minded...

Cost: €25; €35 with four drinks; deals available for groups Sleaze factor: 6.

Nobody is interested in seeing the lonely, drunken pervert guilted into being a plaything (the acts are gross enough as is).

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We soon realized that clutching each other in fear and humiliation only made us more attractive fodder, and our salvation was in the family that would be right at home on a TLC reality show.

Cost: €40; €50 with two drinks; free for bachelor(ette)s in costume.

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